Sometimes I get so restless and depressed waiting around for the next thing.

I’m willing to bet that you know what I mean…

It could be the next Bible study, or vacation, or baby, or move.

But inevitably, there always comes a lull.

And in that lull, I begin to feel anxious, and despondent, and alone– like a child separated from her mother.

And I feel myself waiting, hopelessly on, for something life-giving to come along.

Now, there’s a sense in which this is sinful of me.

In short, I feel empty, and I’m looking for things to fill me up.

And I walk around with this hollow nagging deep down in my gut, and I feel as if something is wrong with me.

But in another very real sense, there is. There’s something wrong with all of us.

And I’m not supposed to feel comfortable.

Listening to Mumford and Sons with my girl the other day, after a particularly long stretch of restless days, I mindlessly sang their familiar chorus while I washed dish after dish from the sink.

And a few minutes later, the words echoed again in my head.

I will wait.

I will wait for you. 

Amen.

Lord, yes. I will.

And I let out a relieved sigh at the realization that I am waiting.

The reason that those restless feelings won’t go away is because they aren’t supposed to.

This is not my home.

We sit on this earth like poor, starving, orphaned children…waiting to be adopted by a King.

And that emptiness that persists can only be filled by Him.

But also I forget that He has not left me waiting empty handed.

He has given me Words of life to hold on to. He has given me reason to wait– reason to persevere.

We fill that emptiness with the knowledge of the One who came to save us and the mighty battle that has been won over sin and death.

And we wait for a time when there will be no emptiness.

Like a river running through the desert, is the promise of our Savior.

It gives us life, and a taste of the satisfying hope that awaits us.

We rejoice that it runs into an deep ocean, so full and unending that we will never, ever see it’s end.

A new world– a place of contentment and joy. A place with no sin, no sickness, and no pain. A place where we can fellowship with our heart’s delight– with Christ, our Savior.

That is what we’re waiting for.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” Psalm 43:5

I will wait. 

I will wait for you, Lord.

My dear, old blog– my long-time friend, I have left you to die a slow, painful death while I pursue more ambitious (more overwhelming) writing projects.

But I have missed you. And as I turned 26 19 this week, I spent some time thinking about my adult life– of which you have played a significant part.

And I found myself once again slapping myself on the wrist for ever allowing myself to be unhappy…

I am truly, immeasurably blessed.

God has done things in my 26 years already that most people would have thought impossible.

For instance, the marriage that I consider my greatest earthly treasure– the romance that I sink into after a hard, wearisome day– has now flourished for nearly 8 long years. Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs, but we are a far cry from where people thought we would be.

Almost everyone- literally- told us that our marriage would fail at 18 and 20 years old. People warned us that we would be unhappy and resentful– that we would miss out on important parts of young adult life by anchoring down so quickly.

And here we are. We struggle, fight, and have our moments of doubt… but there’s not a single cell in my body that believes we made the wrong choice. We have been so incredibly blessed, and I’ll fight with that beautiful, wonderful man if I have to until the day I die. And I’ll never regret a minute of it. The experience of marriage to him is worth it.

Another miracle- my three children! I bet you wouldn’t have guessed that when I was a teenager, I said I would never have kids. My mom always said she thought I would make art (or creativity) my baby. Even my own mother didn’t think I could enjoy having children! Now, here I sit this Friday morning waiting for all 3 munchkins to get up.

People also told me that having children young would ruin my life– that I wouldn’t be able to finish school and that I would never be able to make something of myself. Little did they know about the glory of conquering diaper rash or teaching a 4 year old to read, or teaching them the meaning of life– to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

They also didn’t know how full and rich a person can feel with very little money in the bank and a wealth of love in the home.

Did you know, that I fought with nearly every English teacher I ever had??

It’s so funny now. I struggled some in school. Several of my teachers were terribly discouraging– assuring me that I would never make it in college English. But what they didn’t know, was that reading and writing was never a problem for me. It was following the rules, and figuring out how to get motivated.

And I’m sorry, but I still can’t understand why memorizing 20 words and definitions would ever be helpful to me. As it is, I can’t remember 5– take me to the grocery store without a list and I’ll prove it.

But I can write. And I can teach my children to write and to read. And here I am a functioning, blogging, writing member of society.

These are little victories, I know. At 26, I can’t say I have achieved fame or fortune.

But I am rich.

And I have have been richly blessed.

“Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!” Psalm 107:1

So it has been a tough week.

Not a whole lot of writing happening. Or school. Or play.

It has just been kind of blah. The weather is not helping, either.

I’m not sure if it has been gloomier inside or out.

And being melancholy is hard for me– I am normally pretty cheerful. So I take it hard when I get a case of the blahs.

But on the plus side, my heart is very tender. And every mention of my Gospel hope sends big, wet, thankful tears running down my cheeks.

And it makes me remember the verse of Philippians which says,”I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him that strengthens me.” (4:12-13)

At first glance this verse feels a little hokey…ya know what I mean?

Like something your grandmother tells you when you’re a little girl singing in the car after school. Mine used to tell me that I was gonna be a country music star, and that I could do anything I wanted to do.

Or like something you’d see on a christian pinterest meme with an american flag and a picture of a fluffy person lifting weights.

If you put it in that context, it seems cheesy and trite, doesn’t it?

And we do so often use verses like these to be our ‘feel better’ mantras…

But this verse holds so much comfort and beauty, in a very real kind of way.

And not just for the person wanting to reach an extreme goal or accomplish something, but for the person who struggles with the ordinary.

For the person who has tasted and seen that the Lord is good, but who struggles still to be joyful. For the person who has been brought low, and for the person who faces a desperate (but ordinary) circumstance.

And the answer is not some Rocky Balboa theme song- catch phrase that people chant at you over and over as you jog to the top of the hill. I mean I guess it could be…

But more likely and certainly more beautifully, it’s the answer that you hear whispered by your own voice in a moment of heartache or joy, triumph or weakness– my hope is in the Lord.

It’s the reality that our temporal needs are nothing compared to our souls needs– which He has promised to meet. Which He meets daily while we work, and play, and pray and rest.

It’s that sweet reminder in those times of soul-hunger, that the Lord is the bread of life, and He can fill us up.

It’s the promise we hear in Matthew 11:28, ”Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

And so we press on with hope, not because we know that we are capable of gaining victory over ever obstacle… but because He already has.

Okay, so I am just finishing up my SECOND chapter!

I think I’m actually doing it guys. I’m writing a book.

I just knew when I finished the last few words of the first chapter, Okay. That’s it. That’s probably all I’ve got. But here I am putting the last few words down in the second chapter, and I still feel like there’s so much to say!

The downside? I haven’t blogged all week.

The other downside? The idea of writing a book triggers an emotional rollercoaster for me.

For some reason I feel like it is such a big deal! So I jump back and forth from excitement: Oh WOW! I’m writing a book! To extreme insecurity: I can’t write a book!

And at times I feel like everyone who knows me is giggling behind my back… Awe. Look, she thinks she is writing a book. How cute. Paranoid much? Yeah.

But the best I can hope for is that God would somehow use my feeble, scattered thoughts for His glory. That possibly in spite of the messes I’ve made, the sins I’ve committed, and the many many times I have sorrowfully plead for the Lord’s forgiveness– He might take this broken, depraved heart of mine, and pull something encouraging and uplifting from it.

If I’m this emotional about writing the thing, what on earth am I going to be like sending a rough draft off to an agent?

Well, anyway. Thank you for always encouraging me, and for being there for me when I need YOU most. I promise it never fails, every time I get completely overwhelmed with blogging and think that I’m done, a precious note falls into my inbox and completely blows me away. I don’t know how to say it without it seeming trite or cheesy, but I love you– all the way down to the tips of my toes.

Don’t give up on me! When chapter 3 is done, I am writing a post! (that’s my goal– you know how I love a checklist)

See ya then!

I have been thinking a LOT about Noah lately -the Bible’s Noah, not mine.

And I’ve been particularly thinking about how different the the simplistic boating story that I was taught as a child actually was from the account of destruction and judgement that I read and study now as an adult.

I love the Noah story and the picture that it gives us of redemption and grace.

It offers us Gospel clarity and makes God seem BIG- as He rightfully is.

I think as a child what I took away from Noah, was that he was a righteous man, who did what God told him despite being persecuted by all those around him.

And while it’s true that Noah stood in the face of adversity and trusted in God, I don’t think I took away the full picture that his story offers.

See, while Noah was a man of God, he was not righteous by any merit of His own. He was still a filthy, dirty sinner!

In fact, following the flood, we read of Noah’s naked drunkenness!

Which considering the trauma he had just experienced, was not surprising. Is it okay if I say that?

But at any rate, Noah was not a spectacular man. He was a just a man- he was a bleeding, praying, struggling sinner- just as you and I are.

But Noah did trust God, and he did obey God.

And so when the flood waters came and covered the ground, Noah and his family were spared.

Can you even imagine what their eyes witnessed that day and in the days following?

They watched, helplessly- like children, as the whole earth was destroyed.

To set the scene: This was not a cute little boat floating on clouds with happy animals and smiling people.

It was a horrific picture. People, animals, plants, and earth were all drowning under the wrath and judgement of a righteous God.

I don’t know about you, but if I were Noah, I would have been terrified. And sinfully, I might have even struggled to trust God throughout something like that.

And when that boat finally hit ground and Noah stepped out with his family…all he saw was destruction, and death, and decay.

He had literally survived the end of the world.

Can you even imagine?

And I love what happens next.

Noah worships God.

Some people might be tempted to believe that Noah worshiped God out of a sense of duty and righteousness. They may believe that Noah had his priorities in  line and put God first.

But I don’t believe that discipline and duty were at the forefront of Noah’s mind here.

I believe that Noah, stepping out of that ark and witnessing the total and complete obliteration of the earth, understood that it was by God’s grace- and it alone- that he was spared that judgement.

And so he could do nothing else but worship the Savior and Redeemer- the one who mercifully and graciously spared his life.

Noah had nothing to offer God. He had no good works that could save him. He deserved the same fate that the rest of the world received.

The only thing that separated Noah from that dying world, was His faith- faith in a God who could save.

And so Noah could not help but worship a God so loving, so kind, and so un-deservingly faithful.

I don’t know about you, but as I think about going to church on Sunday and singing praises to my King, I am inspired by that story.

I am moved to worship that same gracious God.

And I can see clearly through Noah’s story the fate that I deserve as a wicked sinner. I deserve death.

I deserve the wrath of God.

But my God is the same God of Noah, and just as He was faithful to deliver Noah from His sin through the death and resurrection of Christ, so will He deliver me- because I put my hope in Him. I can’t rest on my accomplishments, or the good works that I’ve done. I can only rest in His promise to save.

And His promise is Christ. His promise is that the work is done- it is finished. And if I rest in His righteousness, then I will be saved.

Praise the Lord that His promises are not flimsy and wavering as mine are…but that He is faithful, and mighty to save!

Knowing this, what can I do but raise up my voice and worship my King!

Thank you, Lord!

Before the throne my Surety stands, 
My name is written on His hands.